Bippy the Space Goat
Wana get high?
Bippy was an unusual Goat, he didn’t like chewing on grass and hanging around farms, from an early age the only thing on Bippy’s mind was getting high.
Every night after goat school, he would stray away from the warmth and noise of his goat family in the barn and go out in to the fields, there he would spend hours staring up at the stars dreaming of what life would be like travelling amongst them, little did Bippy know he would soon be an intergalactic adventurer the likes of which this universe has never seen, but for now he was just a young goat with a head full of dreams a heart full of hope and a belly full of grass.
Alphacentron omagematron (we’ll call him AO form now on) was a lifeform that looked like a 5ft grey green lizard, vaguely humanoid but very obviously reptilian, with shiny skin and a kind and slightly meek expression permanently painted on his face, oh and four arms and loads of fingers too, that comes up later, so pay attention. And the thought primarily in his mind at the moment was “bored bored! Bored!” all he ever seemed to do these days was try to find ways of being slightly less bored and that was getting harder and harder. “Join the intergalactic space force” his 4 ubermamatrons told him knowing that there was always regular work patrolling the space lanes and looking for new intelligent life forms, what they hadn’t taken into account was that as space is sooo BIG you can go a very long time without anything happening. AO's race, being patient and long lived, were reputed to be able to while away the centuries of space flight in serene meditation, but you couldn't meditate all day long, even that got boring after a while.
AO had got to the point of boredom where everything was going numb and blurry when a small “warble” came from the control panel in front of him, not a “bleep” or a “bwarrp” but the unmistakeable “warble” of the Lifeometer, a component of the ship that detected, over vast distances, life that had not only reached a certain level of intelligence, but also was mature enough not to be annoying at parties. Obviously life in the universe was rare , but life that was entertaining and had a whole new music collection to share was one of the reasons AO was paid to scour the backwaters of space and his standing orders were that when he heard the “warble” he was to pick up a typical sample of the dominant lifeform, sedate it with the universally used rrackcock plant extract that caused instant sleep but no other harm to all known life forms and return immediately to HQ for further study into the newly found galactic neighbour.
"Thank the seven yellow preistrons of Zarn" thought AO as he shut off the Korgle Drive and made preparations to go into orbit around a blue and white planet that swam into view. After checking that all of the automatics were doing their jobs, he turned to give full attention to the Lifeometer in order to find a nice secluded specimen of this new lifeform so that he could be in and out without all that tedious screaming running around and proclaiming the world was at an end that so many lifeforms seemed roll out upon first contact.
Twisting the focus knob, he directed the attention of the Lifeometer to the largest landmass and began scanning for a life reading as far away as possible from any others.
Siegfried Schmidt was an eccentric with both hermit like tendencies and poor personal hygiene on top of which he had a particularly noxious personality, all of which conspired to mean that he didn't enjoy much in the way of human company. This suited Siegfried fine as his only interests in life were the rearing and husbandry of goats and the consumption of certain special crops that Siegfried grew and these green little secrets were yet another reason his farm was in the most secluded area in Bavaria.
Tonight Siegfried lounged back in a chair, eyes half closed and thoroughly toasted, as the large saucer shaped light descended at breakneck speed towards the secluded and sweetly smelling goat farm, even if he had noticed this he would probably attribute the vision to a particularly good crop this time. Bippy however was wide awake and terrified, as to his feeble goat mind one of the many stars he watched night after had detached itself from the sky and was coming down towards him, very fast too! It would be fair to say that Bippy was paralysed by fear and more freaked out than any other member of his species had been to date.
AO checked the pick up sequence automation, set the automatics to for life form snatch (yes a lot of the ship was automated, he was after all only one organism in an awfully large ship) and sat tensely on the edge of his seat as the search beams lanced out from the belly of the ship to shift restlessly across the Bavarian landscape. As the ship lowered, the beams converged on an isolated group of life forms. AO could see that there was one bipedal life form and several quadrupeds, however the Lifeometer was not showing the biped to be of superior intellect! This was unheard of, bipeds rose to the pinnacle of intelligence on any planet they were found, that is until AO’s Lifeometer encountered Siegfried whose pot retarded brain, coincidentally has just slipped below the intelligence level of his brightest and bravest goat, Bippy.
Green coherent columns of light came shooting out from the object of Bippy’s terror, surrounding him, Bippy managed nothing more than to think “Shiiiiiiiiit!!!!!!” (or the equivalent in goat) as he rose gently toward a hole in the belly of something. He wasn’t sure what it was and wasn’t really in an observant frame of mind, darkness fell in the mind of Bippy…….
Flash, in the darkness of unconsciousness a memory of a captured image was left in Bippy's mind, he was strapped to a table and something reptilian with shiny grey green skin leaned over him, he felt pressure but no pain in his head and he had a craving, the likes of which he had never felt, but he didn’t know what it was he craved. Each time Bippy felt pressure on his head, it seemed like his thinking became clearer, as the fog of unconsciousness cleared, Bippy found his thoughts came increasingly faster, faster in fact that it had ever been before in this small goats life. “If only I could get some of what ever it is I’m craving” thought Bippy “I’m sure I would be able to concentrate even more”
AO looked at the examination table with dismay, how could this be? He had raised the creature's intelligence level by two notches on the smartometer and it still wasn't able to talk, maybe another notch and he could see if he could get the bedraggled wretched looking creature to utter just one single coherent word, which would then get him classified as a sentient, which would as a result mean that AO could return home victorious. KerrrrrThummmmm went the smartometer as the next notch of intelligence enhancing radiation leapt from the nozzle and directly into Bippy’s fear soaked and by now severely abused brain.
“ I think therefore……therefore” now Bippy was no philosopher but getting as far of “I think” had now catapulted him to the level of goat Einstein, he noticed more of his surroundings, the grey green angular faced creature staring down at him, the cold metal cone facing him that had been causing the pressure in his head and the nozzle, ah yes that was what Bippy was interested in the nozzle. To Bippy’s left throughout this ordeal was a small tube that projected towards his head and occasionally let out small puffs off a gas “That’s it!” thought Bippy “That’s what I’ve been craving, now I have to find a way to get some more, I want it more than anything I’ve ever wanted in my life and I am pretty much prepared to do what it takes to get it!”
AO despaired, so far all the creature had done was stare around the examination room looking stupid, all he needed was a word, a coherent audio communication and it was done. In desperation AO started to name things in the room while pointing to them, table, chair, floor etc..
Bippy once again settled his attention on the creature, it was moving its arms and making a noise, in fact Bippy realised it was pointing first then making the sound. As the creature moved around the room, Bippy realised that eventually he would point at the nozzle of his desire and any information about that was something Bippy wanted.
“This is getting nowhere” thought the dismayed AO, pointing to the pipe that dosed out the rrackcock tranquillizer as he had this thought “rrackcock” he said, then again “rrackcock”
Bippy got excited, he knew the sound the creature was making referred to the object of his desires, if he could just make the same sound maybe he would get some more “rrrrrack” tried Bippy and badly as it was the first word ever spoken by any goat ever, so give him a chance OK?
AO jumped with surprise, even though this was what he was after, the noise coming form the small quadruped was quiet fuzzy and full of longing “rrrrrack?” tried the goat plaintively once more.
“My god, he’s doing it! He’s trying to speak” “he’s trying to say “rrackcock!” he is he is”
“c- c- c - rrack?” tried Bippy once more craving and needing and despite pulling a miracle out of the hat not getting.
AO decided this was as good as it was going to get for now, he’d heard a word, so it was “crack” and not rrackcock what the hell a word is a word, a sentient alien is a sentient alien and he was going home.