An open letter to Charlie Sheen:
On behalf of every comedian, talk show host, entertainment reporter, radio announcer, journalist and blogger on the planet, we send you our unmitigated appreciation! Because of you, half our work is done before we even sit down behind our keyboards. Your thoughtfulness and precision in creating one great story after another is unparalleled! You, my friend, are comedy and gossip gold!
What can we say? Who doesn’t train their ears during a newscast, when the name Charlie Sheen is mentioned? You just know it’s going to be something deliciously tawdry and lascivious.
It seemed like Robert Downey Jr. was hell-bent and unsalvageable for a while. After a number of arrests for drug and alcohol related offenses, he finally did jail time and straightened up. Now he’s Hollywood royalty.
But wait! We thought that Downey waking up uninvited in a neighbour’s bed was as crazy as wealthy, overindulged actors could ever get. Whoooaah Nelly! Were we wrong!
In the past decade, there have been other cute little diversions, like Britney Spears flashing her privates, shaving her head, and bouncing her baby on her lap while driving. Newspaper photographers and television reporters started randomly following her around all day; they knew that some kind of inebriated act of folly was bound to occur. All they had to do was wait it out.
If the media got wind that Britney was going to have a girls’ night out with Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, the high alert would extend to news departments from Norway to the Fiji Islands. Associated Press and Reuters would call in extra staff and helicopters.
But alas, we’ve grown tired of Britney’s bimbo behaviour, Paris’ clueless delusional existence, and Lindsay’s frat boy in a bustier lifestyle. Their abhorrent behaviour all too obviously resembled desperate cries for help, or at least a collective plea for someone to explain to them why you shouldn’t go commando in a miniskirt with paparazzi around.
Those three girls’ small outbursts and incidents all seem tame, now that television’s top sitcom star has raised the bar of celebrity reprobate behaviour so inaccessibly high:
Maybe he can declare the cocaine and hookers as tax deductions. Those items are probably common overhead costs for a guy going into the porn business. Is he just that shrewd?
That’s one of many burning questions surrounding Charlie Sheen’s life. Another is: Why do people continue to rent this guy hotel rooms?
All I can tell you is for a guy like me, trying to scratch out a humble blog site for myself, Charlie Sheen is the brass ring of character studies. This particular article virtually wrote itself. My greatest concern was trying not to miss any indiscretions or misdemeanours, and still keep the blog post under 50,000 words.
Why do the television public, the network and the acting community give Charlie Sheen so much latitude and forgiveness? For one, “Two and a Half Men” will make the network hundreds of millions of dollars in advertising and syndication. Not to mention, he’s fuelling an entire industry of gossip columnists and joke writers.
Plus, for anyone who’s ever drunk a Bloody Mary on New Year’s morning to cure a hangover and felt like a deviant for doing it, this sitcom star’s personal life helps us all feel better about our own susceptibility to temptation. How bad could our innocuous little ideas of excursions into decadence possibly be, when we know that Charlie Sheen’s probably busy right now trying to retrieve a cocaine rock out of a hooker’s navel?
So hey! Let’s leave this courageous trailblazer alone. I mean, it’s not like he’s a Scientologist or something crazy like that.