If I Had Superhero Powers....or Even One of Those Flying Metal Suits

[Jeffrey Alan Payne]

I’m embarrassed to admit that while I was driving the other day, I actually found myself pondering whether Tony Stark gets uncomfortable in that Iron Man suit. I would become much too claustrophobic, being encased in a metal super-weapon. It sure would be a lot of fun flying around in that thing, though.

Being Wolverine seems like it might be cool, on the surface, but my wife would constantly be on my case, “Careful, you’re going to rip gouges in the furniture with those steel talons that poke out of your knuckles. Ow! Your animalistic beard and beast-like moustache are scratching my face.”

My favourite superhero used to be SpiderMan, but then Tobey Maguire ruined it for me. His Peter Parker acted like a whiney love-struck little teenage girl. I could almost see him asking, “Does this SpiderMan suit make me look fat?”

Even if I had SpiderMan powers, I would still be afraid of heights. What if I’m swinging off the CN Tower, hurtling like a projectile across the city skyline, and those webslinger glands in my wrists run out of juice? I’m sixty-seven stories above the concrete and I run out of spider goo.

I can already tell you that counting on me to use my SpiderMan powers to fight crime is going to disappoint a lot of people. I don’t care if the evil-doers are driving into a building with a truck full of fertilizer. I would just walk or take the street car to the scene of the crime and save my webshooting for all the newspaper photographers who show up, after I kick some terrorist ass.

Then, I’d head for a night on the town. Chicks would slather me with come-ons like, “Oh Spidey, have you ever done it with a girl on the ceiling?”

I think probably, if I had SpiderMan powers, I would merely use them for practicalities: getting my dog’s Frisbee out of a tree, climbing up the wall of my house to paint the exterior trim, and maybe winning Olympic Gold Medals in gymnastics, boxing, and beach volleyball.

When you think about it, SpiderMan would be pretty useless out in the country. He’s got to have big tall buildings to swing between, or he ends up walking like everyone else. I could see SpiderMan trudging down a country dirt road, jumping into the back of pickup trucks as they pass by. The drivers finally notice him in their review mirrors and make him get out.

You know who could be even more “Amazing” than SpiderMan? Squirrel Man.

I think that’s going to be the comic book that I’ll end up writing. Squirrel Man could glide around like Batman does with that cape of his, because he’s got those little flying squirrel wings under his arms.

Squirrels are tenacious fighters, they can move quicker than most animals in the wild kingdom, and their ability to climb any structure is a trait that all superheroes would be wise to master. Plus, they can chew through anything.

Imagine, the police commissioner flashes the “Squirrel Signal” from the roof of police headquarters. It’s one of those floodlights like Batman responds to, only this one has a big stencil graphic of a peanut on it.

Squirrel Man removes the set of faux braces he wears to explain his unnaturally prominent overbite. (When Squirrel Man personifies his “secret identity” he wears the braces; they’re like Clark Kent’s glasses. The braces keep everyone from knowing who he really is, along with the special pants he wears to hide his big bushy tail.)

Squirrel Man eats a bag of cashews, like Popeye’s spinach, and pounces through the treetops. Arriving at a burning house, he fearlessly chews through the roof, and saves a family from certain death. The downside is that the family finds Squirrel Man living in their attic, six months later. He’s finally discovered because of the copious piles of nutshells and Squirrel Man droppings spotted around the property.

Who would play Squirrel Man in the movie? Martin Short is the first name that comes to mind. However, Jim Carrey and Steve Carrell have both played characters with overbites.

I’m thinking of Jennifer Aniston as Squirrel Girl. I know she can’t act, but I would look forward to standing around the set everyday trying to hit on her.

So there you have it, the next blockbuster superhero franchise is coming soon. Brace yourself Stan Lee, cause I’m after you, and I have a whole nest full of Squirrel Man babies right behind me.